Me in Wonderland
by The All Knowing God of Hats
Summary: It's how I would act if I was in Alice's position! I know, it's not a very original idea, but it's a good story so far. Some day, perhaps I'll translate it into Esperanto.
1. Chapter 1

**Me in Wonderland.**

**By, The All Knowing God of Hats**

**(I hear all, see all, tell all, and know nothing…)**

Disclaimer (because one of these days one of us may put a something clever in one of these things): Uh…I wish I owned Alice in Wonderland, but I don't, so that sucks. This story is about how I imagine I would react in the similar situations as Alice. Lewis Carroll is the man.

_It's so fucking hot out, man. _I thought to myself while I sat in the park pretending to pay attention to whatever it was my friends were talking about. I started staring at a flower, then I was all _Dude, there's never once been a flower in this park. _In my head. Then I saw a rabbit and was all "Hey guys, someone lost a rabbit and I want that fucking rabbit." But no one was listening, which I guess is fair since I wasn't listening to whatever they were saying. So I snuck up behind the rabbit and followed it like twelve blocks and then it went behind a door. Being a retard I followed this cute little bunny (in retrospect I probably should've thought about the fact it was talking obsessing over a watch like a fat guy waiting for KFC to open) and I fell. And I kept falling.

And I kept falling….

And I kept falling…

And I kept falling

And

I

Kept

Falling

Some

More…

And all the time I kept thinking _I must've taken some great acid._ Then I saw this kitchen set and I thought _how does one access a kitchen while you're falling at half the speed of gravity. _For those keeping score at home yes, you do fall at only half the speed of gravity down mysterious rabbit holes, and that speed is 4.9 meters per second.

Then I fell on a bunch of sticks, but I wasn't hurt so I was like "cool" and I started looking around because that's what you do after foaling down a magical rabbit hole. Turns out I was in a hallway. A hallways full of dramatic pause doors. Yes, doors, many doors, none of which knew the answer to my riddle because they are all inanimate. Then I saw a three legged glass table and was like, "I don't think I've ever seen a three legged table that was supposed to have three legs," It had a round glass top and in the middle of the top of the table was a little golden key. I said (to myself?) "That's a fucking small key."

Anyways, I found this little door. It was like 20 centimeters tall or something, and I thought _That door must lead to rural China! _(May I add that that was an incredibly cheap shot at our Asian friends and shouldn't be taken at all seriously…even if you do think it's funny.)

So I went back to the table and I can't remember what happened to the key, it might have turned to dust or something, if you find it e-mail it back to me. There was a bottle on the table now that said "DRINK ME," on it, and I was about to scold it for being so bossy and then I decided that it the bottle was to relay to me such a message the stuff inside was probably really strong alcohol. So I drank it.

Then I started shrinking so naturally I thought that this was some sort of elaborate Star-Trek-like situation and I pretended that I had a communicator in my hand and tried to contact the _Enterprise. _That didn't go so well, even when I pretended to be Scotty on the other end I still didn't get beamed anywhere, but by the time I was done with that game I had shrunk down to 10 inches and wouldn't shrink anymore.

Then I saw this egg and cheese croissant (they rock!) that said "EAT ME," And I thought _That could be so wrong if taken out of context._ Regardless, I ate it because why not?

Then I started growing.

Okay, gotta stop here and start a new chapter, I won't directly tell you to review, puts too much pressure on you, the reader (in case you thought you were a wizard, I clarified that you are the reader). Instead I put in a backwards subliminal message so that you'll review without the pressure of me telling you to.

.wieveR .weiveR. .weiveR .luaP dellik I .t'ndid I on ,tiaW .thgir ,hO .weiveR .weiveR .weiveR


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 (yes, even though the other one isn't technically titled "Chapter 1" on the page)**

**Disclaimer: C'mon, is this necessary? Honestly, this is the second page! If you haven't figured out that I don't own Alice in Wonderland yet I'm going to start messing with your head. On a completely different subject, isn't it funny that my computer doesn't think that "wonderland" isn't a word, it usually thinks things like that are. 'Kay, story time!**

So I was growing, yadda yadda yadda, I'm now like crammed into this hallway 'cause now I'm too fucking tall. Suddenly brier grows out of nowhere and jams itself up my now giant nose, and then it leaves my nose and disappears, and if you find this brier, kill it, do NOT e-mail it to me. Now my nose is bleeding all over. I don't have a tissue or anything so there's blood everyehere.

And then the rabbit comes by, he's got gloves and a fan, now I'm not one to make assumptions, but one does begin to wonder about a guy's personal life when we starts carrying a fan. Whatever. The rabbit was going on about a duchess. Then he saw me dropped his fan and white gloves and ran away. I don't blame him, I look pretty scary when I'm nine feet tall and covered in blood.

Then I started to think _who am I, and do I have any pot on me? Is pot even legal wherever I am? Where is here? Y'know what's a good song. What? I am the Walrus._

Then some light jazzy elevator music came on. I said "This isn't the song I was thinking of, though it is relaxing." And a brier grew up out of the floor and went up my other nostril and made me bleed more before dislodging itself and disappearing completely. Without thinking I up the rabbit's gloves into my nose.

You think I'm stupid, bitch? I'll tell you what, right after that I started shrinking again. Take that!

Unfortunately I then found myself drowning in nose blood and the gloves had disappeared (please e-mail those to if you find them).That sucked, swimming in blood. I was all like "Dude, this sucks," that's how much it sucked.

A mouse swam past me and I was like "Hey mouse, what up?" And he was all "Not much, you?" I said "Just going for a swim." And then a shitload of other animals that I can't remember what they are right now swam ashore with that mouse and I.

I gotta make a new chapter now. See you next chapter! Have a nice day! Where would you get the outrageous idea I killed Paul?


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter III (cause I know my roman numerals)**

**Disclaimer: If you really still need to read this…**

There's really nothing to this chapter. Not much that I remember clearly enough to say. We all just smoked like a ton of pot. Someone had a guitar so he played and I guess we sang along or something. It was great to be honest, sort of a waste of a chapter, though. Oh well.

I gotta start a new chapter. Um…if you ever meet up with an eaglet after falling down a magical rabbit hole just ask him to share and you'll have a great time, guaranteed.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 **

**(because if you haven't given up reading this yet you may be enjoying the story)**

**Disclaimer: Uh………..I own socks…….at my house……..**

So I guess everyone left or something because it was just me and the rabbit, who emerged from I don't know probably looking for his goddamn fan.

"Mary-Anne, get my gloves from the house!" he said

I was like "Hey man, I can't even find a house under a rock,"

"That way," he said pointing down a path. "Okay talking rabbit-dude." I said as I began walk away. Just as I had forgotten what I was doing I came by a house. I went inside thinking it was my friend's house and went upstairs to watch a DVD. But there were no DVDs or DVD player or really much of anything upstairs, just a bed and a chest of drawers and a nightstand. On the nightstand was a bottle. Being all messed up like I was, I drank it. Then I grew again. That freaked my out but I decided that if I was quiet I might not notice.

I got so big that I was all crammed in the room. I was like "I'm so crammed that I can't move that much,"

I heard the rabbit outside saying something about my arm being out the window. And I yelled "Dude, you can't come in here. I drank some shit and now I'm really big!"

Then I heard him say, "Who votes we send Bill down the chimney?" (To be honest I don't know if they were doing this because I was in the house all big and what not or if everyone just really hated Bill.) Four or seven voices said "Aye!" and some dude with a high pitched voice that sounded nice except he stuttered, "I'm n-n-not g-going down the ch-ch-ch-chimney!" He protested (On an off topic note, he really did have a lovely voice, he could have been a singer. Sometimes people with a stutter don't stutter when they sing so he wouldn't even have to worry about it.)

So Bill came down the chimney, he's a lizard, so that's cool I like lizards. They have forked tongues sometimes; that might just be snakes though. Someone please tell me. Bill said "Hi," And I was all, "You wanna just go back outside Bill." Then I put him outside and he ran away with a whole bunch of other animals that I think were pikachus.

Then I passed out for a few hours and when I woke up I was small again._ Whoa, I'm small again. _I thought to myself as I strolled out of the house. Then, in the garden, I saw a huge dog. _I think he wants me to throw him a stick, but all I have is stupid Backstreet Boys CD/coaster/Frisbee/something endlessly fun to microwave as long as you don't microwave it too long and start a fire or something._ So I just threw that damned CD/coaster/Frisbee/something endlessly fun to microwave and long as you don't microwave it too long and start afire or something and the dog chased after it.

After wandering around for a few minutes, totally lost, but totally digging the giant plants, I found a caterpillar smoking a bong while on a mushroom (sitting on the mushroom not tripping on it. Actually, he might have been tripping on mushrooms, too, but that really doesn't matter.)

Will the caterpillar say something helpful? Will he be hallucinating and talking in a manner, which I don't understand? Will I think of a clever disclaimer? Will I get attacked by Scottish rugby team? Find out in the next chapter!


	5. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6 **

**(because five isn't a real number anyways)**

**Disclaimer: This is being supplied for as amusement and fiction, no real caterpillars were high in the making of this chapter. And no one was attacked by a Scottish rugby team, though if the flash on my camera had gone off….**

The caterpillar started giggling. I started laughing too because he had a funny laugh. "Who the hell are you, buddy?" he asked.

"Who do you think I am?" I answered just to mess with him.

"The pizza guy?" He asked

"No, but if I was I would be totally thrilled to be bringing pizza to you." I answered politely (I guess I was polite, he may have thought I was rude)

"Man, I was really heart-set on pizza, too." He said sadly, "Why didn't you bring me pizza?"

"Sorry," I answered hanging my head and walking away slowly.

"Come back!" He yelled, "It's important!"

"What?" I said coming back by the 'shroom, that's what I'm calling it now.

So I smoked with him for a while and he had some super rad live Dead tapes. And we sang along to Uncle John's Band really loud when it came on, but we messed up on like half the words.

"I should get goin'" I said at last

"One side of the mushroom makes you big, and the other makes you small."

I was all "Cool," as I took some pieces of "the 'shroom". Then the caterpillar disappeared, that freaked me out for a second. I started experimenting with the mushrooms. That was fun. My neck got all small, then big. Then I was 8 ¾ in. tall so I could go into this house in clearing that I should've mentioned to you, but I didn't.

No comment………………………………………………………………………


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